How do you actually love someone? Not the Instagram version. Not the “buy them flowers once a year and call it romance” version. The real version.
Because loving someone sounds simple.
Until you’re annoyed.
Until you’re exhausted.
Until they leave their socks on the floor for the 400th time.
Until you disagree about money.
Until one of you wants sex and the other wants sleep.
Until life gets busy.
Until someone gets hurt.
Until you realise that falling in love is easy compared with learning how to love someone well.
Love isn’t just butterflies, chemistry and staring into each other’s eyes while a beautiful song plays in the background.
Sometimes love is:
“I’ll make the coffee.”
“You go sleep. I’ve got the kids.”
“I’m angry, but I still want to understand you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Tell me what you need.”
“I’m listening.”
And occasionally:
“Fine. I’ll pick up the socks.”
Welcome to the less glamorous side of romance.
But here’s the beautiful part:
You can learn how to love better.
What Does It Mean to Love Someone?
At its heart, love involves more than strong feelings.
Healthy love includes:
You can absolutely feel crazy chemistry with someone and still have an unhealthy relationship.
Likewise, real love isn’t always dramatic.
Sometimes healthy love is surprisingly boring.
It’s reliability.
It’s showing up.
It’s keeping your promises.
It’s being kind when nobody is watching.
It’s knowing your partner’s coffee order and their biggest fear.
It’s remembering that they’re a person with their own dreams—not a supporting character in your life story.
❤️ How to Love Someone Properly
1. Listen — Really Listen
One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is your attention.
Not half-listening while scrolling.
Not waiting for your turn to talk.
Not preparing your comeback.
Actually listening.
When your partner says:
“I’ve had a horrible day.”
You don’t always need to respond with:
“Well, my day was worse.”
You don’t have to immediately fix the problem.
Sometimes:
“I’m sorry. Tell me what happened.”
is enough.
People want to feel heard.
And being heard is one of the simplest forms of intimacy.
2. Learn Your Partner’s Version of Love
Here’s the funny thing about relationships:
You can be loving someone like crazy…
and they can still feel unloved.
Why?
Because you’re giving love in the way you naturally express it.
Maybe you show love by working hard.
Your partner may want affection.
Maybe you buy gifts.
Your partner wants quality time.
Maybe you solve problems.
Your partner wants you to listen.
So ask:
“What makes you feel most loved by me?”
Then pay attention to the answer.
You don’t have to become someone you’re not.
But loving someone well means learning what actually reaches them.
3. Be Kind When You’re Angry
Anyone can be loving when they’re happy.
The real test is what happens when you’re furious.
You can be angry without being cruel.
You can disagree without humiliating someone.
You can say:
“I’m really upset right now. I need some time before we continue this conversation.”
Instead of:
“You’re an absolute idiot.”
One sentence protects the relationship.
The other one may have you sleeping on the couch while Googling “how long can someone survive on spite and crackers?”
Conflict is normal.
Cruelty doesn’t have to be.
4. Make Your Partner Feel Seen
Don’t just notice what they do.
Notice who they are.
Tell them:
“I love how passionate you are.”
“You’re such a good parent.”
“I admire how hard you work.”
“You make me laugh.”
“I love the way your mind works.”
“I still think you’re incredibly attractive.”
Specific appreciation is powerful.
Instead of:
“You’re great.”
Try:
“I noticed how patient you were today. I really admire that about you.”
Being seen creates connection.
5. Keep Dating Them
Getting married isn’t the end of dating.
It’s supposed to be the beginning of a very long relationship.
Keep flirting.
Keep asking questions.
Keep discovering things about each other.
Go for coffee.
Have dinner.
Watch a movie.
Take a walk.
Dress up for each other occasionally.
Or stay home in your pyjamas and order takeout.
The point isn’t the money.
The point is:
“I still want to spend time with you.”
6. Show Affection Without Expecting Something in Return
Hug your partner because you love them.
Kiss them because you missed them.
Hold their hand because it feels good.
Cuddle because you’re comfortable together.
Don’t make every affectionate moment a transaction.
If every hug becomes:
“So… are we having sex?”
eventually your partner may start avoiding hugs.
Physical affection needs room to simply exist.
And yes, sexual intimacy can be a beautiful part of love.
But affection doesn’t always need an agenda.
7. Tell the Truth
Honesty is one of the foundations of love.
Tell the truth about:
Don’t make your partner guess what’s happening inside your head.
They’re your partner.
Not Sherlock Holmes.
If something is bothering you, talk about it.
Silence doesn’t always keep the peace.
Sometimes it simply delays the explosion.
8. Apologise Properly
A real apology isn’t:
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
That’s not an apology.
That’s a corporate press release.
A genuine apology sounds more like:
“I’m sorry for what I said. It was hurtful, and I understand why it upset you. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.”
Then change the behaviour.
Because an apology without changed behaviour eventually becomes background noise.
9. Respect Their Boundaries
Love doesn’t mean owning someone.
Your partner is still an individual.
They need:
Healthy love doesn’t say:
“If you loved me, you’d give up everything for me.”
Healthy love says:
“I love you, and I respect that you’re your own person.”
You can be deeply connected without becoming one giant human blob.
10. Don’t Try to Change Them Into Someone Else
Of course, relationships require compromise.
But there’s a difference between encouraging healthy growth and trying to redesign someone.
You shouldn’t enter a relationship thinking:
“They’re perfect, except I’ll change the other 37 things.”
No.
People are not renovation projects.
Love means seeing the person in front of you.
Then deciding whether the relationship works with who they actually are—not who you hope they eventually become.
11. Support Their Dreams
Love isn’t just:
“I want you to make me happy.”
It’s also:
“I want to see you become who you want to be.”
Ask your partner:
“What do you want for your life?”
“What are you dreaming about?”
“What are you afraid to try?”
Then support them where you can.
Celebrate their achievements.
Encourage them after failures.
Be interested.
Your partner should feel like you’re on their team.
12. Be There During the Ugly Seasons
Anyone can love someone during the honeymoon phase.
The real relationship gets tested when life becomes difficult.
Job loss.
Money problems.
Illness.
Family stress.
Grief.
Parenting.
Burnout.
Failure.
Sometimes love looks less like champagne and more like:
“I’ve got you. We’ll figure this out.”
You don’t need to have all the answers.
Sometimes your presence is the answer.
13. Learn How Your Partner Wants to Receive Comfort
When someone is upset, don’t automatically assume they need what you would want.
Ask:
“Do you want advice, comfort or just someone to listen?”
That one question can prevent approximately 74 unnecessary relationship arguments.
Because sometimes your partner wants a solution.
Sometimes they want a hug.
Sometimes they want to scream into a pillow.
And sometimes they want you to sit beside them while they stare dramatically into the distance.
Love means learning the difference.
14. Protect the Relationship From Resentment
Small annoyances can become enormous if they’re never discussed.
Maybe one person does most of the housework.
Maybe one partner always organises everything.
Maybe one person feels ignored.
Maybe someone feels like they carry the mental load.
Talk about it.
Don’t quietly collect evidence for your future courtroom presentation.
Say:
“I feel overwhelmed and I need more help.”
That’s far more useful than silently becoming furious because someone didn’t magically notice the laundry basket.
15. Make Your Partner Feel Desired
Love isn’t only emotional.
For romantic partners, feeling desired can matter too.
Tell your partner when you find them attractive.
Flirt.
Kiss.
Touch.
Make eye contact.
Compliment them.
Create romantic moments.
And remember that desire can change throughout a long relationship.
Stress, exhaustion, parenting, body image, health, hormones and emotional disconnection can all influence sexual desire.
Don’t assume a temporary change means:
“They don’t love me anymore.”
Talk about it.
16. Keep Your Own Identity
Here’s something important:
Loving someone doesn’t mean losing yourself.
Keep your:
A healthy relationship should add to your life.
It shouldn’t erase you.
You should be able to say:
“I love you deeply, and I am still me.”
That’s healthy connection.
17. Learn to Fight Fair
Every couple disagrees.
The goal isn’t to never fight.
The goal is to fight without destroying each other.
Avoid:
Instead:
Talk about the actual issue.
Take breaks when emotions become overwhelming.
Come back to the conversation.
And remember:
The goal isn’t to win the argument.
The goal is to understand each other and solve the problem.
18. Make Time for Laughter
Please don’t underestimate this.
A relationship needs fun.
Laugh at stupid things.
Send ridiculous memes.
Dance badly.
Make inside jokes.
Watch comedy.
Have silly conversations.
Embarrass yourselves together.
Sometimes the healthiest relationship conversation is:
“Remember when we thought that was a good idea?”
followed by 20 minutes of laughter.
Shared joy creates memories.
19. Don’t Expect Your Partner to Fulfil Every Emotional Need
Your partner can be your best friend.
But they don’t have to be:
Healthy relationships have room for outside friendships, interests and support systems.
Love deeply.
But don’t make one human responsible for your entire emotional universe.
That’s a lot of pressure for someone who also has to remember to buy toilet paper.
20. Choose Love in the Little Things
Grand gestures are lovely.
But real love is often much quieter.
It’s:
“I remembered you like this.”
“I made you coffee.”
“Text me when you get there.”
“I’ll handle dinner.”
“You look tired. Go rest.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“I’m listening.”
“Come here.”
“We’ll figure it out.”
These little moments become the relationship.
What Does Healthy Love Feel Like?
Healthy love doesn’t mean you’re happy every second.
It doesn’t mean you never argue.
It doesn’t mean you agree about everything.
It doesn’t mean butterflies permanently live in your stomach.
Healthy love often feels like:
Safety.
Respect.
Trust.
Freedom to be yourself.
Being valued.
Being heard.
Being able to disagree without being destroyed.
Knowing someone has your back.
And sometimes, it’s simply knowing:
“I don’t have to perform to be loved here.”
What Love Is NOT
Love is not:
Someone saying “I love you” doesn’t automatically make their behaviour loving.
Love should be reflected in actions.
If a relationship involves abuse or you feel unsafe, the priority isn’t learning to love harder.
It’s getting support and protecting your safety.
How Do You Know If You Really Love Someone?
Ask yourself:
Do I care about their wellbeing?
Do I respect them?
Do I want them to be happy, even when it’s inconvenient?
Can I be vulnerable with them?
Do I want to understand them?
Can I apologise when I’m wrong?
Do I feel safe being myself?
Can we disagree without destroying each other?
Do our actions match our words?
Love isn’t just:
“My heart beats faster when I see you.”
It’s also:
“I care about how my behaviour affects you.”
❤️ 10 Frequently Asked Questions About How to Love
1. How do you know how to love someone?
Start by learning who they are, what they need, what makes them feel valued and what their boundaries are. Healthy love combines affection with respect, honesty, communication and consistent actions.
2. What is the best way to show someone you love them?
There isn’t one universal method. Ask what makes them feel loved and pay attention to what they respond to. Quality time, affection, words of appreciation, practical help and thoughtful gestures can all communicate love.
3. How do you love someone without losing yourself?
Maintain your own identity, friendships, interests, boundaries and goals while building a life together. Healthy love creates connection without requiring you to abandon yourself.
4. Can you love someone and still need space?
Absolutely.
Needing time alone doesn’t automatically mean you love someone less. Healthy relationships can include closeness and independence.
5. How do you love someone who is difficult to communicate with?
Focus on calm, specific conversations. Avoid attacking their character and explain what you feel and need. If communication problems continue, couples counselling can provide useful tools.
6. How do you show love in a long-term relationship?
Keep dating each other, communicate regularly, show affection, express appreciation, support each other’s goals and create shared experiences.
Don’t let familiarity turn into taking each other for granted.
7. Can love survive arguments?
Yes.
Arguments themselves don’t necessarily destroy relationships. The way couples handle conflict matters enormously. Respectful disagreement and genuine repair can strengthen a relationship.
8. How do you love someone who has hurt you?
You can care about someone while still having boundaries.
Love doesn’t require you to tolerate repeated harmful behaviour. Forgiveness, reconciliation and staying together are separate decisions.
9. How do you make someone feel loved?
Listen to them, appreciate them, spend quality time with them, show affection, respect their boundaries and learn what makes them feel emotionally safe and valued.
Most importantly, pay attention.
People often tell you how they want to be loved without realising they’re telling you.
10. What is the difference between loving someone and being in love?
Being “in love” often describes intense romantic feelings, attraction and excitement.
Loving someone can be broader and deeper, involving commitment, care, respect, compassion and choosing to show up even when the butterflies have gone to bed.
Long-term relationships often need both affection and intentional love.
The Bottom Line: Love Is Something You Do
You can feel love without knowing how to express it.
That’s why relationships require more than chemistry.
They require skills.
You have to learn how to communicate.
How to listen.
How to apologise.
How to compromise.
How to show affection.
How to respect boundaries.
How to repair after conflict.
How to support someone without controlling them.
How to remain yourself while building a life together.
And perhaps most importantly:
How to keep choosing kindness when the butterflies have been replaced by laundry.
Because real love isn’t always dramatic.
Sometimes it’s quiet.
Sometimes it’s messy.
Sometimes it’s hilarious.
Sometimes it’s exhausting.
Sometimes it’s incredibly sexy.
Sometimes it’s two people sitting on the couch saying absolutely nothing while their feet touch.
And sometimes it’s one person looking at the other and thinking:
“Life is ridiculous, but I’m glad I’m doing it with you.”
That’s love.
❤️ The Love Unfiltered Tip
Don’t ask only, “Do they love me?”
Ask:
“How do they show it?”
And then ask yourself:
“How do I show it?”
Because love isn’t just something you feel.
It’s something you communicate, demonstrate, protect and practise.
Give your partner the kind of love that makes them feel seen, respected, safe, desired and free to be themselves.
But remember something equally important:
You deserve that kind of love too.
Don’t lose yourself trying to prove how much you can love someone else.
Love deeply.
Love honestly.
Love playfully.
Love with boundaries.
Love with intention.
And when in doubt?
Put the phone down, look at the person you love, and actually be there.
Because sometimes the most romantic thing you can give someone isn’t flowers, diamonds or a perfectly planned date.
It’s your undivided attention.
Love Unfiltered — because real love isn’t perfect. It’s honest. ❤️
